Overheard on the train

I was riding home on the train tonight, minding my own business, reading the Metro in a quiet spot in the back a relatively empty car. Nice and peaceful, after having been to a raucous dance performance at the Kimmel Center. Then a small group of teenagers boarded and spread out in seats practically surrounding me. They were fairly tame in the beginning, but then one of them must have felt like he had something to prove. Here's how it went ... it was virtually a soliloquy, delivered loud enough to be sure everyone heard:

"Yo, there's this girl who likes me, but then the other night I saw her tonging some other dude. She was like, [falsetto] 'oh, it's not what it looks like!' and I'm like, yeah bullshit. Whatever.

"But THIS guy, [gesturing toward the guy sitting behind him] he gets all the chicks. Me, I get a kiss, but HE gets mthathamthatamm [make-out noises]. I get to visit girls at their houses and say 'hey, what's up?' and HE gets their fucking virginity. I don't know how he does it.

"But yo, my dad used to work at the Crab Trap a long time ago, and he told me that some waitress asked him to go into the wine freezer with him to help her get a bottle down from the top shelf, and then she started balling him! I'm like, 'uhhhh, why do I know this?' I asked him, 'weren't you going out with mom then?' And he was like, 'uhhhh...' And I'm like, no wonder they got a divorce. [laughter, but only his own]

"My dad's girlfriend was drunk the other night and she goes, [falsetto] 'when I was you're age, I taught all the guys in my town how to kiss.' "

After that, the guy he was trying so hard to impress got off the train. Thank God. The kid shut up after that.

I feel sorta bad for him, with a father like that and all.

2 things I know

1. The doors on commuter trains are NOT like the doors on elevators. They don't reopen when they sense (or even feel) human flesh in between as they are closing. Yes, I learned this the hard way. Yes, I have bruises.

2. Closing your eyes while power-walking on a treadmill is a very bad idea. You could fall, hurt yourself and make everyone in the gym rush to see if you're alright. Trust me, it's embarrassing. So don't let that really cool White Stripes song on your iPod lure you into forgetting where you are. You're in the gym. There are lots of people around. Plus, falling hurts. Yes, more bruises.